No more than a few sentences into my Powersheets for the new year and this word, surrender, burst into my mind. I couldn’t shake it. Over the weeks previous I had been thinking about what my one word, my focus for the next year, would be.
You see, the past few years it has been “content”. Striving to learn that I am enough and what I have truly is enough no matter what voices and culture is telling me. Learning that my story is a beautiful one even when it doesn’t look how I pictured. Since no new word had come to mind over the course of a few weeks, I figured that content would be my 2016 anthem too. My fight song because it’s always something I need more work on.
But God had other plans. The word surrender stopped me in my tracks and forced its way into my heart. I knew this was it. My focus for whatever is to come in the next 365 days.
Honestly, I didn't like that word and fought it hard. It’s scary. It’s willingly giving up the control that I fight so hard to maintain or appear like I have. It’s letting go of all the things I have absolutely no control over even though I like to think I do. The fear was too great. Even though I knew it was going to be my focus, I balked at the whisper to surrender. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, I clenched my fists and tears fell down my face as I prayed for some other focus.
Little did I know that surrender was going to become absolutely necessary to survive what 2016 is bringing our way.
Just a few short weeks after that moment, I stood shaking in the bathroom as I grasped the little stick that would forever change our hearts. Two pink lines. After years of trying, countless prayers, and the many ups and downs life brings, I could hardly believe my eyes. Was this really real?
A little miracle is on the way.
In the weeks to follow, incredible joy has been met with immense challenges. A threatened miscarriage, hypermesis gravadarium diagnosis, and a few trips to the hospital, and weeks spent on home care to avoid a hospital stay all have threatened to steal our joy and shift my perspective away from what really matters. Bringing this little one into the world is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life, but every minute of the fight is worth it. Every time my body fails me, I’m claiming that the Lord is knitting life together inside.
This life that we hoped and prayed and cried and dreamed for. One we have spent years waiting for. One that’s worth fighting for.
Dear Mama to be who is struggling with HG or a challenging pregnancy just like I am, know that you are a brave one. Although this journey is incredibly different than we imagined, it is worth it. Keep fighting.
Dear Mama who is waiting yet to hold her baby in her arms, please know that I see you. You are not alone in your hopes and dreams for your family. I am praying with you and am always here offering holly hugs, a listening ear, and much love.
And dearest little one who is on the way, know that you are prayed for and incredibly loved through it all. We are so excited to meet you in August and love you forever and ever.